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Hey straight guys: We’ve got your women!

Can’t you take them back??

Look. We’re serious here. We gay men are tired of all the straight women following us around and falling in love with us. We’re not interested, which can make for a pretty embarrassing situation. But we can’t seem to help it! We’re just so attractive, erudite, and interesting.

We could really use a little help here. It was kind of fun at first when women were so accepting of us. We share many of the same interests–fashion, decorating, literature, philosophy, hygiene, cleanliness, intelligent conversation, guys….

Why do we always have to be the ones who care about how we look? Why do we have to be the ones who dress nicely, decorate our homes attractively, and make an effort to be interesting conversationalists and caring partners? Why couldn’t you do any of that?

Weren’t you listening to “[Every Girl’s Crazy ‘Bout a] Sharp Dressed Man” by Z-Z Top?

Weren’t you paying attention to the “Best-Dressed Real Men in America” contest in Esquire? [May God bless you with the love of a thousand women (or men), Anthony Rogers!]
Chances are, you could if you gave it a little try. But…YOU’RE NOT WATCHING Queer Eye!

It’s not that we think you’re secretly gay. I mean, no one could seriously be convinced you were gay. Just look at you. Uggh.

No, common sense tells us that you’re not gay; you’re just not trying to attract women.

Yes, we really said that. And we’re right.

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