Finito la Commedia

Hey straight guys: We’ve got your women!

Can’t you take them back??

Look. We’re serious here. We gay men are tired of all the straight women following us around and falling in love with us. We’re not interested, which can make for a pretty embarrassing situation. But we can’t seem to help it! We’re just so attractive, erudite, and interesting.

We could really use a little help here. It was kind of fun at first when women were so accepting of us. We share many of the same interests–fashion, decorating, literature, philosophy, hygiene, cleanliness, intelligent conversation, guys….

Why do we always have to be the ones who care about how we look? Why do we have to be the ones who dress nicely, decorate our homes attractively, and make an effort to be interesting conversationalists and caring partners? Why couldn’t you do any of that?

Weren’t you listening to “[Every Girl’s Crazy ‘Bout a] Sharp Dressed Man” by Z-Z Top?

Weren’t you paying attention to the “Best-Dressed Real Men in America” contest in Esquire? [May God bless you with the love of a thousand women (or men), Anthony Rogers!]
Chances are, you could if you gave it a little try. But…YOU’RE NOT WATCHING Queer Eye!

It’s not that we think you’re secretly gay. I mean, no one could seriously be convinced you were gay. Just look at you. Uggh.

No, common sense tells us that you’re not gay; you’re just not trying to attract women.

Yes, we really said that. And we’re right.

You’re not trying to attact women–you’re trying to fit in with your buddies.

Now, before you get your stained tighty-whities in a twist, think a minute. Women understand that they’re not trying to attract men with the way they dress or act. They’re trying to get along with other women.

When women dress and act in ways calculated to attract men, other women roll their eyes and call them unpleasant names. If you want to get along in the world, we understand that you have to get along with members of your own gender, which is why we have it so easy. We can look and act like men while simultaneously trying to attract them.

The unfortunate consequence of this is that, with all you straight guys in the world trying to get along with your buddies by ensuring they know you’re not trying to come on to them, you’ve been engaging in some sort of horrible one-upsmanship of ass-scratching, loogie-spitting, wrinkled-shirt-wearing, ugly-shoe-sporting, eating-over-the-sink, garbage-car-driving, yuck. Cut it out! You’re ruining our lives!

So here are a few simple rules for you to follow:

Quit worrying about whether your friends think you’re gay. You know you’re not; they know you’re not; hell, we all know you’re not. Seriously. 

Get a job. Get a life.

Learn how to behave like a responsible person. This used to be a possibility for both sexes. Let’s get back to that. Need money? Again: get a job. Have a problem? Work toward a solution. Need a mommy? Grow up.

Learn what matches. Period.

Enough with the baggy pants and t-shirts.

Yes, you can learn how to cook without growing a vagina.

Yes, she has legs, too, but you should still grab her a fucking Coke.

Put the toilet seat DOWN asshole. Why? WHY? This is NOT just a disagreement. Women are trying to a) keep from falling in; and b) keep their visitors from seeing your muck and pubic hairs. This is not optional.

Quit with the genderational excuses, already. Those include:

I can’t do the laundry because I’ll put a red thing in there and ruin all your whites;

I don’t know where the dishes go;

Nobody looks under the toilet rim anyway;

Who cares whether I have holes in my underwear?;

Guys can’t remember birthdays;

Nobody expects me to act like a person — I’m a guy!

I’ll be taking down similar complaints, and then WE’LL BE TAKING NAMES.

Remember when real men did things like write the Declaration of Independence? Said things like “I must study Politicks and War that my sons may have liberty to study Mathematicks and Philosophy” [John Adams]? Wore nice clothes and were expected to be polite and intelligent?


Dear GOD, I’m glad I’m a gay man. <grin>


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